Before I begin i just want to let you know this journal isn't really all that important. Its just me letting some much needed depression out is all. Everything has gone bat shit crazy on my end and I'm really stressed is all. Everyone gets stressed, and everyone airs it out in their own ways. Some rant to other people, some talk it out, others beat it out, other drown it out with music or other such means. I fail at keeping promises like this. I made a promise awhile back that I would keep my mouth shut and never bother anyone with matters that were my own, I would never mention them, never speak of them, not even so much as hint that something was wrong. But every dam has its breaking point, and I honestly need to get rid of some of the pressure. So go right ahead, feel free to delete this journal from you inbox as soon as you see it or just plain ignore it. I'm not asking for pity, I'm not asking for sympathy. I ask for nothing when I write this. I am not being emo, I'm not being pitiful, I am not being a whiny, annoying person. I am simply stating a few facts, that is all. Some of these facts are important so to those of you of whom I know in real life, if you could do me a favor and just scan this journal until you see it, I would very much appreciate it. Trust me you'll know what it is when you see it.

Times are tough, we all know this, we've all experienced it in varying degrees of harshness. Many of us know how unimaginably difficult its become to secure a part time job while going to college and even during highschool. Even some fast food places are packed and no longer are hiring thanks to the fact of how many people are out there looking for jobs in this shitty economy.

Many of you have probably heard, spoken to, or just know how your parents and or your friends parents or other family members are getting hit hard as more business and coorporations close down and continue to go over seas. I've seen this happen with plenty of my friends, the extended family and my own parents.

Yeah, we got hit, HARD. And I mean really hard. If it wasn't for the fact my grandmother was going to move in with us and contribute some money from her retirement as well as my grandfather's pension, we'll, we'd loose our house. Mother was forced from work because of health, and father? We're lucky if we get 35,000 to 40,000 after taxes. No more over time, no more quarterly, yearly, or holiday bonuses, massive lay-offs, pay cuts, hour changes from 12 hour to 8 hour days, no more paid leave...the company selling out to another company causing the entire health care system to go bat shit crazy, life ensurence, all of it has transformed into a maelstrom. You get the picture right?

As many of you know, the current ensurence plan allowed parents to ensure their kids only until the age of 19 then they are kicked off the policy. Only way the kids can stay on is if they are a full time college student. Well, not everyone goes to college, some people do trade, others simply can't afford college and can't get scholarships or grants and know there is no way in hell they could pay back a student loan. XP Yeah, I'm going for trade, taking non-credit courses, thus, once I turn 19 in April I get thrown off the insurence policy. And given all my health problems that is NOT good.

Speaking of insurence, once you get your perminate drivers liscense, I get mine in Feb. your car insurence goes up and your parents can no longer carry you on their policy. Fun isn't it?

As one might be able to tell, I'm seriously wedged between a rock and a hard place here. I'm despertly searching for a job, putting in applications all over. And I either get no answer back, amd told they are not hiring cause they have full staff, told I'm too inexperienced, or they simply aren't taking applications because they have too many already.

Unless I get a job to help pay for the car insurence by Feb. I won't be able to drive, PERIOD. I'll be stuck having to be carted around by my parents and or my friends. Which is not fair to any of them. I don't even want to get started on what's gonna happen when I turn 19 in april and get thrown off the health insurence. Looks like I'll have to buy my own insurence if I ever manage to get a job somewhere since most places don't offer full health care insurence until you've worked for them for like a year I believe.

Yeah so that majorly sucks.

And as I said earlier, my grandmother is moving in with us sometime soon, once she sells her condo, which probably won't happen because the council fees and all that jazz has been going up recently. Way too damn high if you ask me. XP This means trying to divide up the parent's master bedroom to make another bed room for grandmom to stay in. Thats gonna be a hell of alot of work and more money down the drain.

Yeah then there is the issue of my dad's work burning itself out sometime within the next year. Dow chemicals took it over [rather they were forced to take it by rohamn haas] and they said by summer of 2010 they'd be in horrible debt for taking it on. The factory is in newark de is going to be shut down, I have a gut feeling about it. If dad looses his job, well, there goes everything.

Then of course as some of you in real life know about all the 'lovely' health problems going on with me and my family. Those aren't getting any better. XP

Now comes the part which I'm sure my friends in real life have figured out I'd say.

I won't be going to otakon this year. Originally I was planning on renting a hotel room since that would be less money than driving down every day and having two friends split the cost of the room with me and stay with me down there that way we could take our time and not be rushed.

Well, needless to say I don't have the money to do this and given whats up with the two people I was going to ask if they'd like to stay with me, I doubt they'd be able to do it. I don't even have enough money to finish making the zoid cosplay I wanted to do so badly for this year. Even if I did manage to get a job, all the money I'd be making would be going towards car insurence an paying for my own health insurence which I know I'd have to buy which is expensive as hell these days. At the same time I want to try and save money so I can eventually move out of my parent's house and be on my own and start the next stage of my life. Fat chance thats gonna happen until I'm like 24 or 25. XP

I have a bit of time seeing as I'm job hunting and not actually working so I could work on cosplay but honestly its worthless since I know I need more materials and I don't have the money to buy them. I already tried thinking about different ways to make what I need out of other materials around the house but its all been a bust. I know what works, thats what I need to stick to but I can't because I'm broke.

So, yeah, there is much more to be said but those things are a bit more minor compaired to all of this. Besides I don't exactly want to type my entire life's story on here anyways. I know it sounds like I already did but trust me, anything that involves me and ore my friends/family, there is ironically a very long one continously weavy story behind everything. Its hard to seperate parts in my story of life into sections since everything is connected somehow.

Anyways, that is that. I'm done. Hope some of you are better off than I am in all truth and seriousness.